argh.

Yeah.
I certainly feel like I am annoying and whinny. Unfurtunately, It can't go away until it goes away. And I must let it out:

Right now: I think I suck at my work.

there I said it.
I wish I didn't because it has cause me to spend over 14 hours on an illustration tha twas supposed to get finished in 8.

arghhhhrg.

sigh

Anger

I found this really good Psychology e-book a while back.
I was published by a retired Pshycologist, Dr. Clayton E. Tucker-Ladd.
It's worth checking out for all sorts of topics.
Here is a link

What is your Spiritual Style?

Illu | Michael Wertz

I went to Belief.net

Apparently, I am a 'Spiritual Straddler' — One foot in traditional religion, one foot in free-form spirituality.

Anger Problem—me?


illustration by: Paul Sharp

I just realized that I might have an 'anger' problem. And I wish I could have corrected that before. I remember my mom offering to go see a therapist whn I was about 15. I reall didn't want to. I felt singled out: why should I go? It's my flippin father that has the anger problem. We just endure it.

I should have gone even though I had no clue what I was feeling and why. I though: the causes of my pain are external, therefore, as soon as father dissapear from the picture, I should be fine, right?

Wrong. I have been ashamed of certain emotions I have lived OUT LOUD many times now. Here are some instances:

1. when I was fired from my second 'real job' at a local video store. That was a real shock for me. I thought I was good. You know a good girl from a good family...

How it happened:
I guess it was both my fault, and the unfair view of the manager at the time. She was looking for someone who was dependable. As in would come in when SHE wanted to, including sundays. Sundays, was one of the only day that I could have to myself. Not working, studying, or whatever. I wanted sundays off. They probably would have hired me if they would have known that right of the bat.

I was working at 'Costco' before that [and had to quit because they were making me work about 20 hours a week—but I also was going to college full time... Costco was a place where you could kind of say "oh, I can't work this or that day'. It wasn't a big deal because they had a few hundred other employees to relly on. I didn't realize that at the video store, I was last to come, so therefore, was supposed to take whatever shift they gave me.

Second reason I got fired, is because I was rude. One time, I asked for a cigarette to a customer in front of a elder employee. For some reason, I thought that, because she was talking to me for a few minute, and was friendly, that it was ok! Sigh. Anyway. They were also restructuring the video store and the place was a real mess to try and find a movie logically. The local supervisor was responsible for this change over. I had met him a few times. Anyway, one night, I was working with the manager, and she was talking sort of badly of that guy, and I went along, to be in the gang, I guess [I'm an idiot], not knowing the unwritten rule that you have to 'watch what you say about who at work'. Basically, don't badmouth ANYONE is the golden rule...And don't ask a favor to customers. It's a no-no: you are supposed to be at their disposition, right...

Third reason I got fired. I know what you think by now: What a flippin idiot. I know. I am not sure what to say. I guess all I can blame this on is not getting enough 'good' people skill trough my parents or something...Anyway, I disgress. Third reason I got fired is because I was not the greatest video seller. I mean, yes, I was studying Cinema in college, but the only thing that did is make me a, well, movie snob! I hadn't watched any of those crappy american movies. I was sort of board trying and make recommendations for movies I personally thought were crap. I guess I needed a little more time to figure out how to be possitive about movies I thought were not worth anybody's time. So I guess the thris rule that I transgressed was: fullfilling the unwritten needs of the work place. Trying to find out excatly what is expected of you and doing it. It's not rocket science you say. And this is why I am assamed to this day. But, no one had shown me these things. A was a social mess.

5 Mindfulness Trainings

The First Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life,

I am committed to cultivating compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.

The Second Mindfulness Training
Aware of suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression,

I am committed to cultivating loving kindness and learning ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I will practise generosity by sharing my time, energy and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.

The Third Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct,

I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

The Fourth Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others,

I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determined to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I will not spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticise or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

The Fifth Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental,

for myself, my family and my society by practising mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I will ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programmes, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger and confusion in myself and in society by practising a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.