Anger Problem—me?


illustration by: Paul Sharp

I just realized that I might have an 'anger' problem. And I wish I could have corrected that before. I remember my mom offering to go see a therapist whn I was about 15. I reall didn't want to. I felt singled out: why should I go? It's my flippin father that has the anger problem. We just endure it.

I should have gone even though I had no clue what I was feeling and why. I though: the causes of my pain are external, therefore, as soon as father dissapear from the picture, I should be fine, right?

Wrong. I have been ashamed of certain emotions I have lived OUT LOUD many times now. Here are some instances:

1. when I was fired from my second 'real job' at a local video store. That was a real shock for me. I thought I was good. You know a good girl from a good family...

How it happened:
I guess it was both my fault, and the unfair view of the manager at the time. She was looking for someone who was dependable. As in would come in when SHE wanted to, including sundays. Sundays, was one of the only day that I could have to myself. Not working, studying, or whatever. I wanted sundays off. They probably would have hired me if they would have known that right of the bat.

I was working at 'Costco' before that [and had to quit because they were making me work about 20 hours a week—but I also was going to college full time... Costco was a place where you could kind of say "oh, I can't work this or that day'. It wasn't a big deal because they had a few hundred other employees to relly on. I didn't realize that at the video store, I was last to come, so therefore, was supposed to take whatever shift they gave me.

Second reason I got fired, is because I was rude. One time, I asked for a cigarette to a customer in front of a elder employee. For some reason, I thought that, because she was talking to me for a few minute, and was friendly, that it was ok! Sigh. Anyway. They were also restructuring the video store and the place was a real mess to try and find a movie logically. The local supervisor was responsible for this change over. I had met him a few times. Anyway, one night, I was working with the manager, and she was talking sort of badly of that guy, and I went along, to be in the gang, I guess [I'm an idiot], not knowing the unwritten rule that you have to 'watch what you say about who at work'. Basically, don't badmouth ANYONE is the golden rule...And don't ask a favor to customers. It's a no-no: you are supposed to be at their disposition, right...

Third reason I got fired. I know what you think by now: What a flippin idiot. I know. I am not sure what to say. I guess all I can blame this on is not getting enough 'good' people skill trough my parents or something...Anyway, I disgress. Third reason I got fired is because I was not the greatest video seller. I mean, yes, I was studying Cinema in college, but the only thing that did is make me a, well, movie snob! I hadn't watched any of those crappy american movies. I was sort of board trying and make recommendations for movies I personally thought were crap. I guess I needed a little more time to figure out how to be possitive about movies I thought were not worth anybody's time. So I guess the thris rule that I transgressed was: fullfilling the unwritten needs of the work place. Trying to find out excatly what is expected of you and doing it. It's not rocket science you say. And this is why I am assamed to this day. But, no one had shown me these things. A was a social mess.