Saturday, October 28, 2006

Right now I am reading "Finding Lily" by Canadian author Richard Clewes. It is partially about a man's experience with a wife that has maniaco-depression and comits suicide. And also partially about a very "sane man" who thought he was so strong He said, he thought he could heal her. Taking care of someone else for sure really makes
anyone feels has if they have some sort of quality. The quality of straigth of being a provider. Someone who takes care.

I have had depression in the past and sometimes it makes me identify strongly with 'mentally challenged' characters in films and literature. Of course I was deeply touched by one flew over the cockoo's nest, She comes undone, Prosac Nation, Prize Winner of Idaho or whaever, L'etranger and Finding Lily

Monday, August 07, 2006

Imaginary Forces.

It seems I am pretty incapable of leaving someone. After all the pain that they may or may not know they've inflicted. I just won't. I can endure a lot of mental pain before "giving up" I guess. So usually I let the other one leave me. For some reason it feels more right to let the other abandon me.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Trusting.

You know what my problem is?

I don't know if I will ever trust someone fully. I just don't know if it is possible. This feeling of always having to protect myself, not against just life's misfortunes, but actually watch my back, in case someone would inadvertently cause me suffering by the actions caused by their fear or ignorance. Because, you can only come to this conclusion, I mean that the only reason another human being would cause you any harm would be because they just don't know any better you know?

Anyway - To come back to the original topic "that my problem is trusting others", I am just not convinced that there is a possibility to trust someone. I mean that would involve a lot of forgiveness because there is no way a person will never ever hurt you. People do that. They make mistakes, or sometimes they just have know f’ing idea that they’ve just hurt you.

The thing is that, I still expect somehow that someone, once in my life will be “to be trusted” – I mean, a person, mostly a guy that will never hurt me. It’s pretty sad and stupid even. To be that naïve. Or demanding. But there I am, hoping and hoping, constantly disappointed.

Someday I'll see the light. I'll be convinced that it is still possible to trust people, even thought you know for sure, they will disapoint you in one way or another. They me even hurt you, but they are still worthwhile and can be trusted or at least I can lay down they weapons and close an eye just a little.
-peace

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Where are you Josh P.?

I went over to your lovely blog and it's gone. Where are you? Did you pack all your garden, your art away on your bike and moved to a better place?

Hopefully you're having a great summer

Friday, June 30, 2006

What I got.

I often wondered what is it that I got. I just don't feel enthousiastic about a lot of things.

Just tonight, I rode my road bike to my car from work. I had intentionally parked my bike about 10k from work, like I do, 3 times a week, and it gave me actual pleasure to just climb this super harsh hill that, on the first day I decided I'd ride to work, I though I'd barf before I would get to the top. I'm pretty out of shape, and this hill was like, seven minute of concentration, pushing the pedal carefully, feeling my quads slowly getting more and more burned as I got higher. Just minutes of abuse and questioning the futility of the whole exercise. Now it takes me five. I can't really get upon my pedals right now I'm so weak, but I remember the glory of those uni-commute years. Like a race but better:L there's your whole future at sakes.

When I came back from work today M___ was at home already -- this is a usual senario. I hurried up as, he had asked me if I wanted to go to the lake: a couple of beers in the cooler, at warm suset on this little lake, ducks swimming around you. Pretty good picture. But then the conditions looked good for paragliding, so I agree passive-agressively to drive him to launch. He took off, right after this french girl that everyone there woohoo-ed her launch. I walked back to his little suzuki sidekick nineteen-don't-work-very-well and drove to the lake.

I used to paraglide too but I don't feel like doing it anymore. It feels dangerous, like too much effort fo r my overloaded system and I am pissed off. Nobody sort of recongnize me as I have gained about 30 pounds since last year. I am tired, confused, and I don't know who I am anymore. I could be up there flying around like them, being cool and enjoying myself, slapping myself in the back because I am passionate and I do such a cool sport. But instead I am here, writting, looking around and wondering what the hell am I doing here. With no one to discuss these urgen t mathers other's than my shrink.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Anti-psychiatry

A great post on Tim Boucher's site about the book "The Politics of Experience" by R.D. Laing, published in 1967. At one point in this book, R.D. Laing makes the hypothesis that "mental illnesses may in fact be our spirit's own healing process" -- the idea is also associated with the concept of Anti-psychiatry.
I really like the idea that things aren't as they seem, and looking more closely and carefully, being gentle when we try and 'fix' something is more effective in the long run. Another thing that automatically comes to my mind when I think of this concept is "yeah, let things run there course" or "time heals all". But it's not exactly it. It's more like "pay attention", and learning to accept who you really are, and see clearly what is going on around you.

Often we try and try to fit our round head in square peg society holes, over and over again. We are convinced that we can finally change the way we think, so we can do things that will get our "superior's" approval, so that we ca be safe in this world. Then we beat ourselves up, feeling guilty that we aren't like the rest of them, and starting to think that after all, since I am failing to be like ______, "there must be something wrong with me". So we give up and feel 'depressed'.

Of course there is a danger in this, how do you get someone to pay attention? Because even if you tell someone over and over again "there is nothing wrong with you", you are just "different" but you are also "equal" to the rest of them. The person will not be convinced until they can see that "there's a way out" in their lives.

Seriously, our lives are so freaking suffocating sometimes; it's hardly believable that not more people aren't "cracking up". And the cracking up ones may just be the sane ones. Or at least, it doesn't necessarily mean that the people having the break downs are the f_ up ones all the time. It just means their capacity to compulsively dissociate on a daily basis is failing. Their psyche will not go by the "rules" any longer. Their own mind is telling them "No!" "This isn't reality".

FEELING TRAPPED
On my recent trip to my parent's, I had several discussions with my dad about the past. See, my dad was, to the best of my memory, in a constant state of feeling trapped.

When you feel trapped, and that other people are "out to get you", maybe not literally, but in a way that can seriously impact your life (like your boss and co-workers), it is difficult to convince yourself otherwise. You may feel trapped because you are ill (physically or mentally) and feel like you are dependant on your spouse, or other family members. You may feel you are trapped by high mortgages, by saving for your retirement, by not being able to find another job with similar "advantages", etcetera.

See, the problem is that when you start admitting this "trappage" problem to yourself, the next problem is the fact that it seems that, no matter what you do, you'll feel trapped! So the conclusion is that you must get rid of the feeling, because you've apparently tried every possible way to get out of this trap.

Perhaps it is not so much the feeling that is the problem - even though it is the feeling that causes all the pain - but in parts, it may be the way we see the reality, but also the environment itself...Meaning, we may think we've tried every possible way to get out of the trap, but in reality, not only we tried too many very similar ways to get out of the trap, but these way also violated our innate, cherished beliefs about self.

GETTING OUT

I guess, how to get untrapped involves trying to get back to these positive truths that we hold about self, and moving in life according to those truths. It doesn't necessarily involve coming out to everyone in the open or starting to preach...especially not if you are an introverted person. It just means acknowledging when something bothers you, being conscious of the differences between your beliefs and other people's beliefs for instances. You don't necessarily have to shout "I disagree" or smirk or make sarcastic comments if you feel like this may end up turning against up soon after. But you can notice the difference.

FIND YOUR POSSE
So, the next step is to find people who are similar to you, or at least less dissimilar! This is more difficult, because it involves letting go of a lot of advantages of this current life. Mainly it may mean finding another job, boyfriend, moving to another area, making room for other friends. This requires a lot of care and attention, and acceptance of mistakes, and staring over again.

Of course my dad never got a chance to do this it seems until he was retired and divorced! I can understand why he is so uncommital now.

Jeez, everyday, his whole body was crisped up, and "I don't want to!" was written all over is face, yet, he went to this work he despised, and felt trapped. My mom never understood that even though he was physically able to work as he did, he would have much prefered her to help him, because he felt that he couldn't support his family on his own, he was scared that he would lose his job and fail everyone. It was too much for him as he hated his job. Frankly, I think it wasn't so much to work as the people around him that he couldn't deal with. But he could not articulate that to her, or she refused to hear him, because it would have meant for her to change her own ways. It's really sad that they couldn't work together to support each other, they had to do it apart from each other.

And, I guess, here I am, in a similar predicament. At least I don't have kids, and I am at least a lill more mindful of my own internal wants. Now I need to find a way to fulfill them.

-peace.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Buddhist Retreats

I have been contemplating going to a retreat for some times now. Here are some that I've been looking at:

Amazenji
RR2, Site 11E,
Comp 3, Burns Lake, BC VOJ 1EO
Tel: (250) 694-3630
Email: kminogue@nlc.bc.ca or mukwakwe@hotmail.com
Spiritual Director: Kuya Minogue
Tradition: A Zen Training Temple for Women

Plum Village Meditation Center
http://www.plumvillage.org/

Birken Forest Monastery
P.O. Box 1A6 Knutsford, BC V0E 2A0
Tel: (250) 318-2980
Email: meditate@birken.ca
Web site: www.birken.ca
Abbot: Bhikkhu Sona
Tradition: Theravada, Thai Forest Tradition

Kootenay Shambhala Centre
444 Baker Street, P.O. Box 136 Nelson, BC V1L 5P7
Tel: (250) 352-1714
Email: russmarg@netidea.com
Founder: Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Tradition: Tibetan, Kagyü lineage
Director: Eric E. Watson

Blue Sky Sangha

Gary Palen
6 Fort Waldgrave Path
St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada A1A 1A6
Tel: 1-709-576-4881
garypalen@hotmail.com