man, why do I stress?
Oh god.
here we go again. Battling with another big bout of anxiety. Jesus, is it ever going to end? Besides when I am going to croak from a heart attack or something, I mean?
I know it is probably not just external input. I know I am prone to anxiety but, jeezzzz. I just want to feel a lil be safer at work. Why does it always seems like I am the "one too many"?
My boss hired an oz and a junior, and now I feel like I am maybe overpaid. She didn't ever discussed the priced I asked, but now I heard from the AD that "she's made her budget and found out she's paying 'one salary too many" Now I think 'fur sure it's mine'. I am making myself sick thinking about this. What am I going to do if she throws me away? Now I am volontarely working extra hours, on my own time to 'appear super productive'. And I cry. and I get a tension headache. And I can't talk to anybody about it. Sometimes I would just like to go to my boss and express my fear to her. Could you imagine the scene! Ah ah ah! Great. blink. Mouth open. I can see her from here: What? And then being fired a month later for 'not fitting with the team'. Right.
Ridiculous.
My boyfriend thinks I am ridiculous always thinking about that kind of stuff. But thrut is, I haven't been fully lucky in that department.Well, ever. It just makes me really sad and isolated. Maybe everybody thinks I am 'over reacting'. But these people never think to look back on their lives and see.'oh ya, I've lost a job once in 1984' they say. 'wasn't that bad. Stop worrying.'
Right.
I just would like to feel like I am truly 'with someone'. I guess the one that comes the closest to that is probably my boyfriend. He is very suportive in is un-supportiveness, I guess. Because he thinks I should see him as support - in case of emergency: He would 'lend' me money, he says. He would not leave me because I lost my job, he says.
The ironic thing is I think he would leave me because I am depressed because I lost my job.
Go figure.
here we go again. Battling with another big bout of anxiety. Jesus, is it ever going to end? Besides when I am going to croak from a heart attack or something, I mean?
I know it is probably not just external input. I know I am prone to anxiety but, jeezzzz. I just want to feel a lil be safer at work. Why does it always seems like I am the "one too many"?
My boss hired an oz and a junior, and now I feel like I am maybe overpaid. She didn't ever discussed the priced I asked, but now I heard from the AD that "she's made her budget and found out she's paying 'one salary too many" Now I think 'fur sure it's mine'. I am making myself sick thinking about this. What am I going to do if she throws me away? Now I am volontarely working extra hours, on my own time to 'appear super productive'. And I cry. and I get a tension headache. And I can't talk to anybody about it. Sometimes I would just like to go to my boss and express my fear to her. Could you imagine the scene! Ah ah ah! Great. blink. Mouth open. I can see her from here: What? And then being fired a month later for 'not fitting with the team'. Right.
Ridiculous.
My boyfriend thinks I am ridiculous always thinking about that kind of stuff. But thrut is, I haven't been fully lucky in that department.Well, ever. It just makes me really sad and isolated. Maybe everybody thinks I am 'over reacting'. But these people never think to look back on their lives and see.'oh ya, I've lost a job once in 1984' they say. 'wasn't that bad. Stop worrying.'
Right.
I just would like to feel like I am truly 'with someone'. I guess the one that comes the closest to that is probably my boyfriend. He is very suportive in is un-supportiveness, I guess. Because he thinks I should see him as support - in case of emergency: He would 'lend' me money, he says. He would not leave me because I lost my job, he says.
The ironic thing is I think he would leave me because I am depressed because I lost my job.
Go figure.
posted by minetto at 11:36 PM
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