The life of a depressed girl. - prose by MM.
"I hate my life"
How may times has these words filled my head as I awake? It's not that I hate the people in my life. Like M__. It's just that feeling.
This morning I heard the birds outside in half life, than chris' truck. It's time 'to do things' I though, but I don't really want to do these 'things'. Any 'things'. I have so much to do to keep my 'life' going. I am on auto pilote, going to work. I want to work as much as possible, so I don't have to think that soon, I'll be out of work again. and then the fateful "I hate my life comes back".
The "I hate my life' is almost always followed by "I wish I had 500,000 dollars. No a million..." and then I sooth myself off in dreams and thoughts of never having my life determined by who 'gives' me a job or not. "I hate people" rarely comes next. But, sometimes it does. It's not that I hate 'them" so much I guess, it's the fact that I have to depend on them for my livelyhood, and knowing that they don't really care that much about my well being! That's can be scary. How am I supposed to cope with that? Some say, 'but you are supposed to care for yourself'. To which I retork sharply: "you need money for that". Trust me.
Yesterday I gave warm hopeful advices to a girl at work who also lost her job, and who's boyfriend betrawed her, while she found out that she had a blood clot in her left leg. All at the same time. Seriously. I reminded her that, I was just trying to make her see reality —she was pretty depressed— from another perspective, that it wouldn't be that harsh all the time, that it would eventually fade away —the feeling— and that things would fall into place. I also told her that the only way I could do that was because I was not involved in her situation...that it didn't mean I was 'happy, happy, joy, joy myself'. I could only see her reality —maybe— more clearly, because I wasn't feeling her feelings I said. So cheery, huh?
I guess helping her made me feel like I could help myself.
How may times has these words filled my head as I awake? It's not that I hate the people in my life. Like M__. It's just that feeling.
This morning I heard the birds outside in half life, than chris' truck. It's time 'to do things' I though, but I don't really want to do these 'things'. Any 'things'. I have so much to do to keep my 'life' going. I am on auto pilote, going to work. I want to work as much as possible, so I don't have to think that soon, I'll be out of work again. and then the fateful "I hate my life comes back".
The "I hate my life' is almost always followed by "I wish I had 500,000 dollars. No a million..." and then I sooth myself off in dreams and thoughts of never having my life determined by who 'gives' me a job or not. "I hate people" rarely comes next. But, sometimes it does. It's not that I hate 'them" so much I guess, it's the fact that I have to depend on them for my livelyhood, and knowing that they don't really care that much about my well being! That's can be scary. How am I supposed to cope with that? Some say, 'but you are supposed to care for yourself'. To which I retork sharply: "you need money for that". Trust me.
Yesterday I gave warm hopeful advices to a girl at work who also lost her job, and who's boyfriend betrawed her, while she found out that she had a blood clot in her left leg. All at the same time. Seriously. I reminded her that, I was just trying to make her see reality —she was pretty depressed— from another perspective, that it wouldn't be that harsh all the time, that it would eventually fade away —the feeling— and that things would fall into place. I also told her that the only way I could do that was because I was not involved in her situation...that it didn't mean I was 'happy, happy, joy, joy myself'. I could only see her reality —maybe— more clearly, because I wasn't feeling her feelings I said. So cheery, huh?
I guess helping her made me feel like I could help myself.
posted by minetto at 1:56 PM
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